so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
you ran down to the water at 3am and rolled in the sand and ran around screaming that you were the corn dog monster.
he drove an hour to get eggs with me not even a blow job, just eggs.
One of my coworkers just invited me to a wet t-shirt contest this weekend in honor of her son's 21st Birthday.
Just traded the drive-through guy at BK a Dos Equis for a Hershey pie before noon... win?
At least you got a round of applause for dancing like vanilla ice across the street and into the bar. Even as you were getting carded
Finals drinking + forgeting you had to take your ambien because you work at 6am mid paper= drunk logic which then entails going on a "detox" run. Puking your guts put in the field house bushes while some random guy says to you "its okay. We're marching on."
So apparently someone caught him as he was falling. And carried him around the rest of the night.
It's two in the afternoon, I'm on my third glass of wine and I'm watching Lambchop on youtube. How do you think I feel right now?
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
No, and she still hasn't answered me...I get a whole series of text messages about Guatemalan anal bleaching but no fucking answer to my question.
the next thing I knew, I was on the floor of a Tim Hortons bathroom in Canada.
the girls would appreciate it if you invited over some drunk, single, straight men with low standards.
So apparently I’m into choking now
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