i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
She looked like her face caught fire, and someone put it out with a screwdriver.
didn't have any spoons so I beer bonged my chicken noodle soup. I fucking love camping.
The gay bar tender told me I looked like Prince William. And that I needed my balls licked.
i threw up in a box in my own lap driving today.
she's drunk at 2 in the afternoon again. at least my mother is predictable.
Ughhh I can't remember the last time "time fell back or springed forward" and I wasn't at the bar to argue about it :(
WHY IS IT FROWNED UPON THE DRESS UP IN CAT COSTUMES AND SIT OUTSIDE OF BARS WITH A BOX OF WINE I THOUGHT THIS WAS AMERICA
If you want it you better put a ring on it. And by ring I mean one of my three favorite pies.
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
Our prom king just sent me a dick pic. I know it's 10 years later but I feel like I've finally made it.
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
so does the amount of bruises on my arms and legs mean we had fun last night?
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