I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
I'm bringing poparts in case anyone gets hungry. The trek to frat row is strenuous.
knew it was a bad idea. the look she gave me when i left her roommates bedroom in the morning really illustrated that.
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
i don't know man, last time i saw her she was applying sunblock to her vagina
I swear she's a drunk klepto...by the end of the night she had stolen 3 bowling balls. HOW DO YOU STEAL 3 BOWLING BALLS?
I'm now drinking beer through a straw. By order of the bartender.
PS: I just woke up from my shower
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
I have to shower first, I forgot I peed on my feet last night...
I thought about mashed potatoes the whole way home
The exact people you expect to find at a bar at 2pm are here. Come visit. We'd really like the company.
I am serious when I say I think I broke a rib having sex with Kyle. It might be puncturing my lung. No lie. I might die today.
I woke up with sticky red stuff all over my sheets, face, and chest. Apparently after I blacked out I thought eating ribs in bed was a good idea
We lost. I'mma go home and drink more and do a face mask and wonder why it is that god put me on this Earth to suffer
Randomize
