what are you wearing?
Just my guilt
I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
She soaked the fruit in vodka for ten minutes and then mixed it with normal fruit and sherbert icecream. It was called "lottery fruit".
Can we please stop calling your vagina the cave of wonders?
Just had a thought: were the sirens on when we were in the ambulance?
Michelle asked what I was wearing tonight. I responded with a g-string and plastic wrap. I've gotten no response since.
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
It's like the dark age of my sex life being stuck here
We were cuddling in his bed and I asked him a question and followed by making a microphone with my hand and told him to speak into it. If he never talks to me again that's probably why.
Right now you and beer are my only friends.
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
You were painting for six hours and managed one four foot wall. "The Mellow Handyman" isn't a good business model.
Randomize
