Dude ... paraplegic porn is really creative..
id tell you what to do, but my morals dont exactly scream, "Listen to this guy!"
I wish I could drop acid with the muppets
So she said grabbing my cock was like holding a giant crayola from pre-school.
that was the beginning of the end.
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
I take that as "no I'm not driving you to the bar in a blizzard"
Send me the video of myself under the polar bear skin. It's important.
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
My hairdresser won’t do keratin treatments because of the toxins, but will put ecstasy up her butt at festivals...
Last night was fun but it wasn't right. I will say that our lives intersected for a brief and intense moment and we will just leave it there.
Randomize
