when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
three words: i give head
three words: not that well
you ever fart during an orgasm? feels like u just lost 10 pounds
I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
i almost hope i AM knocked up so i can ruin the rest of his life
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
You told me you loved me after I brushed your teeth with my index finger.
There is a good chance that the other night after a wedding reception i was at that i mailed you a drink coaster.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
Well the streets were closed, so it was okay for me to just lay down for a little bit.
You just said the word 'slut' out loud in your sleep and then made a moaning noise
you wouldn't let anybody come in after ten. everybody was standing outside and you just yelled "BEING PUNCTUAL IS IMPORTANT" and slammed the door. i dont think you should be allowed to have parties anymore
it concerns me that i was already that drunk at 10
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
If it were up to me his wife would never get his penis again, but I guess they have some sort of arrangement
Yes, an arrangement called marriage
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