I am not having having sex with guys at the moment.
I can pretend to be a girl if you want. I have a tongue.
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
Just met a female bro. Things are weird at the rugby party.
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
This is like the time you took a picture of your knees and told him it was your tits, isn't it?
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
It feels like you stuck your dick in a fire and then branded the inside of me.
Haha he's lucky I don't kick him back into the land of the majestic handjobs
are we fucking for lunch or am I using my vibrator ?
This is classic penis vs brain.
Also, don't forget your plan to die young at a shrooms-fueled orgy.
we should most definitely have a fire extinguisher in the apartment. like... for sure
My sack is cleanly shaven and the rest of my body has been manscaped. i even put aftershave on my junk. i feel sleek like a fighter jet right now.
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
I told my mom that I might be hungover today so she needs to make me an omelet.. it happened and I'm happy
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