drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
It feels like I've shaved away my winter coat and my vagina is going to freeze if I go outside.
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
This is what happens when you live with someone you met on Grindr
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
lesson #1 of freshman year: grinding with a sombrero is difficult
I just want to get drunk and wake up on Wednesday
I had a dream I gave a blow job to a guy whose dick forked off into two. I'm going to spend the rest of my life confused.
He tried to stop traffic by waving his half eaten pizza at cars.... And we were stupid enough to cross .....??!!!
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
Dude, half of south Mississippi has seen my taint. I'm not worried.
Sorry for peeing on you and your bed last night.
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
Randomize
