Ok let's jusst not talk today bc then we'll just do dangerous things but I'll say hello
you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
I wish they made helmets for livers.
I hope my margaritas pass through security.
I may be in pain from falling off the roof but getting to the morning roof keg was well worth it.
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
You looked at my sister and yelled at her saying in a couple of years she will be yours
Yea we slept in ur room but im 80% sure we didnt have any peanut butter in there
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
She hash-tagged my name. I think it's safe to say that she remembers our hookup.
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
I'm going to teach Troy such valuable life lessons. Yesterday I told him to stay away from girls who drink redbull and vodkas.
Do you have pictures of my pancakes
I need to show the world
They are the pancake equivalent of eventual wife
Hey bro are you still alive??? I'm sure you are wondering how you ended up laying on the floor at the foot of your bed and why there is a wheelchair by your door....
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