It doesn't matter if they shave you or not, you're still susceptible to the staph infection.
I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
i cant cry in cvs. not again.
Hate is such a strong word! I prefer to think that you strongly dislike me due to the honesty I show towards your routine shortcomings of success in life.
Drunbk and roasting marshmallows on my stove. Accidentally singed the catr's fur but she'sd alright.
Not sorry that my walk of shame this morning was barefoot on my scooter.
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
my hair smells like a mixture of fireworks and rotten eggs with a hint of shame. it's so strong it's keeping me awake.
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
I couldn't be more proud to be a cougar. Just wondering how these twenty somethings learned how to fuck so well? Must be porn.
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
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