She is in my trunk
I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
I know it's pride week, but your asshole is just never supposed to taste like banana.
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
It summer and it's getting a lot harder to hide sex bruises from my parents.
First world problems?
I want your cock.
All we are is dust in the wiiiiiiinnnnnnnnnnd
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
I slept with the Australian in the bathroom of a gay bar. What has my life become.
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
I sent him a tex saying, "I thought my intentions were clear" drunk me has some balls.
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
I fought off a bull with my bare hands while he went off to have sex with her against a wall. I’m more upset about the fact that no one is acknowledging what I did.
We're in an alley with a psychic wizard, shes reading our palms
So, I need to know. Why did you spraypaint your underwear gold?
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