I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
She was lying in bed moaning while eating a Snickers and masturbating.
it's business casual sex. like no kissing, shake hands after, occasional frequency
making cat noises will not fix the situation.
i decided not to call her again when she started singing "goodbye my lover" as i was walking out the door..
I think I just sold my virginity for plane tickets
I have yet found the courage to put pants on. No judgement thursday led to no shower friday and now no pants saturday. God i miss college.
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
the worst part was waking up this morning to his skrillex ringtone.....when was it ever okay for friends to let other friends go home WITH GUYS LIKE THAT!?
I say that because you at one point were like a mama spider covered with baby spiders only you were a man covered with strippers.
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
Note to self; if you can light it on fire, you probs shouldn't drink it
Do you know how many guys' fantasies I've been told I'm a part of lately?!
Just 2. But still.
my hair smells like a mixture of fireworks and rotten eggs with a hint of shame. it's so strong it's keeping me awake.
Fuck the library it's too quiet and makes me uneasy. I feel like I'm so isolated I should take off my pants or something
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