when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
I'm drunk in class and I'm pretty sure the bible freak behind me is saying a prayer for me
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
His concept of male bonding is doing lines in adjacent stalls.
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
I dont know if you relize this but ive been high ly medicated in my room for a whil now. GOing out into the real world would make me li ke tom ha nks. im not ready to be tom hanks..
Check the bible. I hear he keeps his weed in leviticus.
I bet George Washington got SERIOUS head back in his hay day.
in other news, i feel like i just shat out all my sins.
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
You also hate cartoons and musicals, so I will take that to mean the movie was as awesome as I thought it was..smoke weed
This drunk girl kept yelling for water so I dipped a cup in the toilet and gave it to her. She was thanking me all night.
Grandpa just whipped it out and started pissing on the way to the game stuck in traffic. I saw EVERYTHING. :(
Randomize
