I wish I could test you the smell I just had to experience. It smelled like this lady was microwaving squirrel rectum.
How can it be called memorial day weekend....I don't even remember this weekend
you started keeping track of only every even numbered drink you had
Would it be weird if I told you I thought of you when I masturbated?
Looks like I'm more than just your Mexico mistake...
Oh, and trying to figure out who wants to do Molly in a frat is like asking damn children if they want puppies and candy. So just bring as much as possible.
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
But I wanna cuddle and just put my hand awkwardly close to your penis area by accident and look at you
Dude, I lost my shirt, and my doorknob is gone. I'm not sure which I should find first
she pretty much pinned my hand to her boob "on accident" for like 10 seconds before she moved. Waiting the rest of the night was just a formality.
You rubbed a frozen pizza in my face. The concerning part was that it was semi cooked from our body heat
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
I would also like you to tell your human bio class that I successfully smoked out the flu. 103 degree when I woke up yesterday. 100degree after one bowl. 4 more bowls and 16 hours later all that's left is a cough
i just sexted for my mom while she was driving, i have hit an all time low.
My roommate just angrily told the cat he should have knocked, but that's not lockdown madness. They're always like that.
If you survived your 72 hour masturbation marathon put on some pants and come over. My mom dropped off a lasagna.
Randomize
