Moan for me like Helen Keller
You can't special order awesome
So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
no, there's no challenge. I live a humble lifestyle out of virtue.
You wear Armani Exchange.
quick I need to know all the foods that the very hungry caterpillar ate
I walked downstairs and there were 50 sorority girls. I wasn't expecting an audience during my walk of shame.
after we had sex he went grocery shopping. at 6 am. i've never been more confused in my life
I don't really know I'm just giving her a key to get back in and the "don't get pregnant speech" and leaving it at that.
It's like being the dunk pilot of a plane full of pornstars and drunkenness.
I heard that clinking noise from behind me and I already knew you were whipping out a Smirnoff in class. Again.
I'm hiding in the bathroom at the library but there are children here I just want to drunk cry in peace
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
Let's just say, I will never again lick an asshole.
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
Randomize
