You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
win or lose for butler, i'm still masturbating to brad stevens tonight
Knitting and drinking wine. Forget my 21st birthday, might as well just skip to my 60th
...She just said, "We've been blessed with good drugs lately."
Were not alcoholics, were just impatient for fridays
I was afraid that she would smell her boyfriend's penis on my breath while we were talking.
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
Who the fuck gets injured on a merry-go-round? HOW IS IT POSSIBLE??
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
I'm covered in bite marks and have a cracked rib - was a good weekend
Idk what's worse.... Yesterday not waking up in my bed or today waking up in the hello kitty gown.
Randomize
