I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
so we started it doggy style, but since we were really drunk kinda fell to the side and turned into a 'lazy dog'... my new favorite position btw
I feel like my vagina stays drunk longer than the rest of me. It's always super sensitive and hungry the day after drinking.
apparently i was cut off before i even walked in
Jesus once told his disciples that its better to hang out with your best friend than give some douche bag a bj.
Watched him slip somethin into her drink. Dragged him of his bar stool, punched him out, and told her what i saw. Bartender used some chemical to confirm presence of rophynol. Just woke up at her place
You almost set me on fire last night.
You probably deserved it.
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
Also, if someone could cut me off before im rolling around the yard pantsless with a 40 year old lesbian that would be awesome.
I just woke up ass naked on top of all my sheets, with no blinds in my room because i used them as togas, my back is killing me, im covered in sharpie, i have no memory of last night, and im pretty sure im still drunk. I consider the night a success
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
You need to finger her with the Spock hand sign since she loves Star Trek.
I'm a terrible person when I drink. I went from fine to not making any sense and yelling about cheese in like 30 seconds.
if he becomes president of the united states, I will tell EVERYONE that i took his virginity.
We had sex then laid in his bed eating chocolate and drinking juice boxes. I think I'm going to keep him around.
Randomize
