I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
For using a life jacket as a pillow, I slept pretty good last night...
Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
it's like his penis is God's way of saying "sorry about his face"
You know when you blow me it's the softest, most amazing feeling ever. Like putting my dick in a silk bag filled with puppy ears.
Apprently after I bit that bouncer, it all went down hill.
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
I should have listened to my dad and mean girls... If you have sex you'll get pregnant and die.
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
Don't have sex in a tent there are so many opportunities for infections
he brought with him gifts of cookie dough and penis. upgrading our relationship from fwb's to bf/gf was an incredibly smart merger.
He complimented the perfect handprints you left on each of my ass cheeks.Thanks.
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
Ill try not let guys feel my boobs for free drinks next time, no promises tho. I am my boyfriends worst nightmare.
Randomize
