I'm gonna have a badass scar
are you so shy because you have an std?
I denied three guys and puked everywhere because I love you.
she said shes getting her period tomorrow so she wants to have sex now. i didnt object. it would have been heartless.
ofcourse you didnt.
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
i think you broke pat's ankle when you drove over it... he's freaking out but on a more serious note i'm 99% sure i saw a werewolf
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
is it bad that my walk of shame involves the church shuttle?
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
I think it says something about my life when I start picking up girls while im in rehab. And I don't think it's good.
if I was any more soft right now, my penis would be a liquid
When my parents ask if I met any nice guys in California, I'm going to answer, "No, but I have gone home with alot of nice girls". Too much, too soon?
We had to take the hinges off the bathroom door. Needless to say, you are no longer welcome at that bar
Tempted to tell the Titos promoters at this bar that they are doing the lords work.
I probably would do him if given the chance but how awkward would Bible study be after that.
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