the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
Don't EVER smell your tampon
The best thing he's ever done for me was comment on my profile picture saying "hello boner"
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
I told him he deserved someone better...then I told him he looked very fuck-able wearing nothing but sweat pants. We'll break up in the morning.
Moral of the story is go have sex with a foreigner and report back to me.
Are you up yet? I really want to know if i tried sleeping in a field... i have the vaguest memory of trying to
I can't wait to see you again...not a euphemism, just really looking forward to seeing you. Wanting to fuck you as often as possible just seems implied at this point.
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
Lol. I get my husbands paycheck every week. Immediate deposit into my purse next to his balls.
you gave me money for the cab and then walked home..
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
Baked out of my mind. Went in the bathroom, a daddy long leg spider and a carpenter ant are battling it out on the floor. I brought my computer with some dubstep.
OMG THE ANT WON
I got so pissed i stormed off and threw his burrito on his windshield
Julius Caesar had a huge penis
WTF are you reading?
Ha ha! No, the guy in the Caesar costume last night. We hooked up. His dick was huge
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