Friday was tragic. I was naked on top of him and he didn't have a condom. Oh and he had an Obama poster on the wall in front of his bed so our president was staring down at me while I was naked. I felt sorta bad.
You should've just screamed yes we can!
So you have no knowledge as to why I am hearing loud repetitive mooing from next door?
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
She was pretty drunk. It was like watching a puppy explore the world for the first time.
Remembering I sold my brand new Blackberry to a stranger for a few pints = Worst night of my life. Now to work out what I did with my shoes.
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
the last thing I heard was you screaming as the rodeo team herded you to the next party
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
How is it that I, the only one that didn't drink last night, was the only one puking out the car window?
I just spent 12 consecutive hours in the same outfit and none of it was pajamas. If that's not personal growth, I don't know what is.
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
Stop confusing me with every girl you know that doesn't like sex.
As for the other mouse...I don't have any mouse traps so I put a Jell-O shot on the ground. Party hard little dude.
I walked in describing her boobs thinking I was talking to you only to hear dad say 'I remember when your moms were like that'. ALWAYS tell me when they get home early. Always
Just packed vodka and spare underwear into my purse- totally set for watching the hockey with him tonight
Randomize
