Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
his blackberry tasks were 1. take names and 2. kick ass
how do i tell him I'm always in the mood without sounding like a slut?
He's a good guy, we stopped by his old church.
And you didn't burst into flames?
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
Just fucked in a kitchen. I never want my penis that close to knives, stoves, or blenders ever again.
I got another blow job proposal last night. Skills.
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
Happy you have kids and I don't day!
HELP! How do I get paint off the dog?
Thank god he came over. I had to have some good sex to makeup for all the bad sex I've been having.
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
I decided to do drugs in front of her because if anyone can handle the truth it's a ghost
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
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