New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
Woke up with string cheese braided into my hair- literally braided
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
What is a foreign vacation of stupidity without some fake names?
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
I just literally had a dance party in my closet. I've never been this blazed.
Don't forget the part about the bar bathroom stumbles.
Oh damn, you're right. I have to include that. You turned off all the lights with your head. That was impressive.
Mike passed out early so we kept filling his mouth with redi-whip and letting the dog lick it out, but he started getting hives so we stopped.
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
I'm glad I can share my workout progress with you via my nudes
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
You shouted “im bobby labonte!” In the process of shoutgunning a beer. He said you were too redneck for him...
Will you PLEASE get your mom to stop telling me I'd make a great husband? She knows I'm gay, right?!
I know, but she really likes you. Have you met my brother yet?
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