I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
siamese drinking twins saturday is a go ... bring duct tape.
It feels like eating ice cream while riding a unicorn over a rainbow waterfall made of glitter.
That is possibly the gayest thing that was ever thought of by anyone anywhere.
Ran into his mom at the bar, i told her "i know he's married now but I'd still do him"
And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
There are some sad choices of men in the ER. That one was missing teeth. Not the place to find a husband.
how do you expect me to pass the time when I'm too old to be jailbait but too young to legally drink
She looks like a Midwestern news anchor that got fired so she has done nothing but eat for the past 6 months.
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
I'm spending my Sunday wishing the entire Patriots offense would let me touch their manhood
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
Don't come up here. Strippers r crying.
location: under the moon. please find me. need ride home.
Does sending her to the conference instead of a competent employee and putting her in a suite make up for banging her husband behind her back?
No, but she’ll have a nice memory when she gets dumped and fired on the same day.
Randomize
