Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
Our local strip club now has karaoke. Do you realize what this could mean for my sex life?
Should have told me the night we were talking about deal breakers that vomming outside your car was one of them. I would have taken a cab back
Also- bikini mowing was a horrible idea. One truck just drove by 3 times, turning around at the end of the block each time. My tan may be better for it but my conscience has been raped.
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
Sex in the corn maze.....not as good as advertised.
I wonder if a fish could survive in vodka
I could
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
So on a scale from 1-10 how gross is it that I used mortuary makeup on my own face?
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
Idk if you own a vibrator or anything but it's not smart to leave it in dad's car for him to find :/
sometimes i forget what nice tits i have and then i spend a month brushing my teeth naked in the front of the bathroom mirror, and i remember.
I actually talked to his parents last night about it. haha. I had a bottle of smirnoff in my hand, I'm sure they took me serious.
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
Randomize
