That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
So guess who had sex in a Ghostbusters sleeping bag.
its like accelerated beer pong for children.....we train champions young
he was banged his ex for coke the whole time and is still the best guy so far this year. standards need to be raised.
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
Tried to ride the mechanical bull pants less, got punched for making out with some lesbians wife, and you tipped the bartender with a can of skoal.
I regret nothing
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
So I had sex with a hook nosed, lisping masadonian last night.
Glad that degree in literature is paying off. Nice adjectives. Maybe set the bar a little higher though?
At least is you came to Milwaukee to visit me you'd get the best mind blowing sex of your life and free wifi. Who doesn't want free wifi!
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
That's pretty intense. There aren't many people I would pick over a burrito
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
but like who hasn’t gotten fingered at the state fair?
So the vodka/tequila mix went down fine but the burp made me cry
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