you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
and then he said he has been waiting since high school to touch my boobs
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
You convinced her to break up with her boyfriend, made out with her all night, got her to buy us all shots then went home with a different girl...
That explains the "i hate you" text. But the facebook deletion is a bit harsh
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
I walked outside an you were laying down talking to a star about your life. That's when I took the bottle of jack away...
My g-ma saw your dick-pic and wants you to know I've got a keeper. She says her big whopper died in Korea. Good thing g-pa is still asleep.
When you get home...find me in the shower. Only safe place at the moment.
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
dont you DARE use my tequila influenced words against me
What can i say, my face is nice and my body is just unreal. And my beer pouring/stealing is incredible \n
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
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