someone threw a dead crab at me
the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
Oh jesus...leave it to you to hit on not one but two guys who can't fuck you till marriage.
There was a huge crash. I came out of my room to find you sprawled out at the bottom of the stairs in your bra and panties. You looked at me, yelled 'WHAT AM I DOING WITH MY LIFE' and then ran back into his room.
my whole wardrobe smells like substance abuse
Yeah I'm just gonna shower and drink a gallon of coffee and drunkenly write my research paper. It'll be fine
I just wanted a bootycall and now somehow I'm at his parents playing dominoes. But they have tequila so it's cool
I have wine with a bendy straw bitches I can do fucking anything
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
These freshmen are fun! The redhead wants to practice her blowjob skills with me and let me rate different moves!
Spent like 2 minutes so far learning and 35 minutes in a group chat talking about big asses. Yet another Wed zoom meeting.
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
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