Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
In all fairness I did warn the guy I just spray tanned before we had sex so I hold no responsibility for the bronzer all over his sheets
Do you think a former stripper/heroin addict constitutes as a high risk sexual partner?
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
I don't think boys are aware how difficult it is to take a picture of your own ass.
I remember halftime. Then I woke up in Spain. I need a drink in order to process this.
i made up my own drinking game and i took a secret shot every time someone asked me about school or my future
The girl in the stall next to me is puking her brains out, I'd say she had just a good a weekend as us
I gave her some alkaseltzer ad she looked at me lke I was god
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
I'm going to become fluent in fucking Belgian boys
I'm not going out, it's sweat pants and gallon vodka night at my place and I'm the only one on the guest list.
This is because you lost at fooseball isn't it?
He said a lot of nice things about me, it was really uncalled for.
Randomize
