he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
All I wanted was a "this is what America feels like" blowjob before I left. Is that too much to ask for?
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
I had a moment while I was smoking where I was looking at these palm trees and I knew how dr Seuss came up with his characters.
If she's steering anything, it's a religious boat of crazy. Destination: Iceberg.
cocks speak louder than words, as they say
Nobody says that.
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
Banged former boss. Adulthood achievement unlocked.
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
Wtf. So apparently this 5 star establishment doesn't allow strip putt putt in the parking lot. We all just got kicked out of our rooms.
i just swapped my iPhone for a happy meal. this is greg btw, the hooker let me borrow her phone
He also sent me nipple clamps because romance is NOT dead
Dude, my back STILL hurts from carrying the team on BP last night.
Randomize
