i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
she smells like cat throw up and cupcakes. i'm trying to focus on the cupcakes but it's really. hard.
Between the dance party in the car and the distraction of the momma bear and two cubs im a cops wet dream roght now when comes to wreckless driving.
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
I just sold my hat for three car bombs. I call that a win.
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
He literally cried into his tacos and screamed fuck bitches. Don't know if it was the best, or the worst hook up, ever.
I just accidentally deep throated a popsicle in front of my parents
Three times. Three times I left home yesterday in search for sex, and three times I returned un-orgasmed.
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
couldn't remember his name. introduced him as 'mr multiple orgasms'
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