I took her to see 2012 then broke up with her, the movie was a metaphor.
her dad is making me watch Glen Beck, i only agreed because i penetrated his daughter earlier.
he has the hands of the vagina gods.
nothing like smoking out of your roommate's bong with your mom to celebrate the rising of christ
he is risen halelujah
He just stared into my eyes and touched himself. That isn't hooking up.
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
You left wolverine marks
I'm somewhere between sorry and proud
I really couldn't care less what she looks like. That's why The Lord Our God gave us doggy-style.
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
He said did you just interrupt me midsentence to admire another man's penis?
Dude we need to hang out soon. I'm in the mood to get arrested again.
First time a guy goes down on me and his dog had its head on my knee the whole time. I swear it was judging me.
Nothin much, just sipping warm franzia from a plastic valentines wine glass while wrapped in my Mexican blanket listening to sappy country songs and mourning my lack of a love life. Hbu?
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
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