know what the best part about malls are? standing on the upper level and boob gazing
he put on The Eye of the Tiger while she was in labor.
id say bad/good trip...at first I wanted to claw off my skin... but then when i tried i ended up tickling myself for an hour.
I feel like I was eaten by a coyote, then shit over a cliff...
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
the reputation of my dick game is on the line. You're killing the team, here, G
All I can think about are the cheese it's on my desk at work this morning. Like are those apologetic cheese it's or does he seriously think he still has a shot..
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
I'd call the fact I ended up in my own bed a huge success
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
She told me to take deeps breaths and I said I said YOU FUCKING TAKE A BREATH CAROL IM SURE IF YOU WERE IN MY POSITION YOU WOULD HAVE OFFED YOURSELF ALREADY and she said my name is Becky 😂
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
His dick smelled like strawberries...it was awesome.
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