i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
She told me I reminded her of the fair. And she wanted to deep fry my dick and eat it.
i'm sober ask me anything about the civil war
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
On an unrelated side note: I shall now attempt to crawl to the bathroom. Where I will lay motionless on the cold ceramic bathtub with hot water pouring over my shivering body as I desperately try not to vomit. Good day.
when im done with her im going to need you to carry me on your shoulders as i poses victoriously for all those who were within earshot
you'll be horrified to know he's visiting next weekend
You two are a rollercoaster of sex and silence.
Plus I'm pretty sure you said "love you" on the phone, so technically I should be putting you on some type of probation
it's like I can see my whorish nature reflected back at me in his wedding ring.
If tits could talk, mine would be bragging
at one point, i told him to buy you a pumpkin spice latte and uggs because you're a common white girl and that's how he should get you in bed
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
Taking care of a girl who just peed on my floor so tonight is not a good night for sex
you said something about joining a k-pop band before passing out topless on the trampoline.
Randomize
