No, don't ignore my call, i just need to know, whats cuter a pig in boots or a miniature horse sitting down..
Whore.
I was being facetious
Don't try to hide behind big words.
i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
During the middle of giving him head, he flashes his phone and says "I like to watch."
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
I will never swim in a flooded basement again..
I was in the shower, he came in, had me give him a blow job, and left. I'm pretty sure I was just booty called. While taking a shower.
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
Having to explain to my dad why there are chicken wings to the pool filter, new low.
I'm a drunk white girl and my ancestors were drunk white girls, if we apologized our species would be extinct.
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
Im crying watching 9/11 footage eating spray can cheese in my pajamas.
Randomize
