Yo I'm just eating dinner now. U ready to go out?
Ya ya. Where you eating?
Cereal and beer. U kno u want in.
i may or may not have been spotted by tourists while getting head in the vicinity of the jefferson memorial
my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
I wonder if they've ever made a porno about the song "she'll be comin' round the mountain when she comes"
I've decided I'm just gonna keep drinking til the baby bump shows...
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
He compared my vagina to the first time he tried cocaine
I think the main reason you were throwing up so much was the quart of soap you chugged trying to burp bubbles. you came close
Did i mention i'm like the equivilent of a prepubescent boy suffering from preejaculacy? I just about creamed my pants when he grabbed my hand..
Im going to make a sandwich and see if my books came from amazon. I cant believe two years ago i was dating eight guys and teaching russian exchange students how to do shots.
I sat on my couch last night watching What Women Want, eating ice cream, and sobbing "why doesn't she like me?" Why was I born a man?
Honestly no idea how dad figured out i did all that gay porn unless he was looking at gay porn.
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
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