Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
but i am gonna have to have sex w/ him again to get my earrings back
Found her laying down in a booth in iHop. She's a keeper.
Nothing like a Mormon bachlorette party to make you feel slutty
Yes, she did suck your dick in the bathroom to wake you up.
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
We were wearing togas. So having sex was really easy to do without taking any clothes off.
It's rum buckets o'clock
Thanks for fingering me to orgasm during Wu-Tang Clan
She's walking to the bar while holding a fifth of fireball, talking on the phone and puking like its nothing out of the ordinary
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
He wrote his entire dissertation last night. I can only imagine the frightening amount of headway he would make if he ever did things sober.
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
I'm currently hiding from this horrific thing that we call adulthood. If anyone needs me, I'll be smoking a bowl in the bouncy house.
Randomize
