Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
the pub in dfw airport has a countdown timer to st. pattys day, to the second, i like texas
The only ground rules are no one is allowed to come who will say "no, that's a bad idea" or "what if we get arrested?"
And then she banged "the first Italian rapper"
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
I feel like this is going to result in some sort of tearing in my vagina.
Thats a chance were just gonna have to take
Dude. Zebras have bad attitudes.
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
First time on E and Chris took me to a petsmart during puppy day. I might die of pure awesomeness.
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
apparently when a guy says "if there's anything missing in your life, I will provide" he's not expecting attractive lesbians to be the answer.
going on fb and having 11 notifications all from you is absolutely horrifying
dude you know how i got totally hammered and lost my phone at some frat when i came to visit you two months ago? yeah well someone mailed it back to me in minnesota.. with a picture of a cock as the screen savor
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