my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
I try to help out whenever I can. Speaking of rough nights I woke up half naked on Brady's couch with bloody paper towels duct taped to my foot.
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
We lost Kevin again. Probably kidnapped by fattie 2 or butter-face 2 from last night. We need names and any information you can give us. Last scene with his shoe laces converted into a belt.
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
And I'm stuck at home while my dad's in vegas hanging out with Zach gali... Zach... That guy from the hangover
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
All I'm saying is Europe has not been easy on my vagina.
I was not drunk enough for that final.
Kinda thinking about going to my moms wedding high
I'm a delicate orchid of a man.
Blossoming into a fierce dragon.
Randomize
