I've spent the last ten minutes rubbing glue sticks on the wall
She's a squirter....that makes up for lots of other annoying things
What's the kids name that was drinking stale beer and redbull out of the blender?
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
She's an ex-convict. She actually got stabbed in the face with a pen while in prison. No big deal.
Puked up what appears to be battery acid next to the treadmill. Everyone noticed.
For someone only wearing socks and a cast, I felt reallyy overdressed
im sure shes a lovely person but i cant be friends with someone that doesnt drink. its just not right.
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
there's a strong possibility i came on your eyeliner last night bathroom sex was unplanned and rather messy sorry
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
I keep getting the feeling him and his friends are hilarious and we should drink whiskey together forever
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
Tell me again why we had to Facebook stalk your therapist?
You can't be mad... I'm letting you jerk off in my parents shower
Randomize
