hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
Considering the face that your still in jail Im gunna go with no.
Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
Handicvap rails on the toilet atre soooooo fuckin handy right nmow.
Either I'm deep cleaning my apartment out of severe academic procrastination or I'm subconsciously nesting and need to take a pregnancy test.
I want him to rummage through my vagina. with unwashed hands.
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
I shall welcome him into my body with an open liver and completely lay down all chance of resistance. Sweet Zeus, please take me to Mt. Olympus and share all that is divine. I promise, the secrets will be safe with me
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
Came home to my roommate drinking a 40 in the shower. Chugging with his hair still fully shampoo'd.
Here's to not getting arrested this year on thanksgiving again. Cheers bitches!
I'd like to preapologize if you or your mom see me naked at some point this weekend.
Make me food? I don't want to be a science experiment. I'm dunk. Holy shit. Drunk*. Let's do science.
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
Randomize
