I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
What's the politest way to tell someone that you're only interested in them when they're naked, and even then it's just like a passing "meh?"
How come it tastes like onions whenever I go down on her?
This bar is like a mediocre whore house....but free
saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
i'm starting to get really nervous about the relationship i have with my cat
I checked into jail on foursquare
I would have screamed and cried and bled and shit and then died. Fuck that guy.
We can just chill or day drink or smoke or watch law and order marathon or play just dance 4 or watch a movie or go to the movies or play hide and seek or hug, so many options
Drowning in science and also vodka. Hope you're having fun.
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
I went to Christian school in the 90s. I can finger blast anything, but dignity.
So I took my bra off and threw it in the bushes before we went to the bars..
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
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