Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
New requirements. My future husband must have a nose ring and wear headbands.
We are no longer friends.
I just saw a kid walk into class with his dad. Fuck his life.
you went up to their shower, tripped in it, accidentally turned it on and then claimed that you like to "test everyone's showers"
I bought a bottle of 100 proof for the storm. I am going to drink until I pass out. I'm taking bets. 1:30 pm is the over/under.
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
Guys, I'm sleeping in the BOYNTON LAUNDRY ROOM. if you can, come let me out in the morning as I have no keys. I might be in the study room possibly. DON'T FORGET. I will be trapped
broke the door off of my fridge tryin to have a indoor rodeo
I'm not pregnant. Security came before he could.
I shaved last nite, you should see my cock it looks like a beautiful skyscraper
Some guy is here using a taser on people. I'm up next
I Have a huge scrape on my knee and I need a better excuse than dry humping on a park bench...
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
My Hitachi broke 1 day into this stay home bullshit.
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
Randomize
