If a girl drunk dials you she's at least entertained the idea of sleeping w/ you correct?
YES
How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
You don't need id to drink rum in an alley.
made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
i'm pissing behind 7/11. if you guys leave... i'll think it's funny too
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
I mean, I'd wanted to go skinny dipping, hook up with him and have sex on a beach, so last night I basically killed 3 birds with one super slutty stone.
I'm sweating so much right now i look like Whitney Houston
only i would grind with someone to harp music at a gay wedding
you didnt realize it, but you puked in the bushes in front of a church and yelled "GOD IS DEAD"
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
Once my new license was put into my hand, a light from the heavens shined down and pauly D's voice was in my mind saying ohh yeaaah 21 yeaaah
It’s like a sexy version of those choose your own adventure books from when we were kids. No matter what you choose, there will be penis!
Randomize
