There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
i am not listening to taylor swift on a pink ipod. totally not happening.
Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
so it turns out, not only do the doormen judge the girls I bring home, but they rate them.
get to allyx's house asap
Ok is everything ok
Yeah, theres just lesbians
omg yes on my way
he is like the poster child for std's. god i hope he meets a girl with teeth in her vag. that would serve him right
I wasn't going to take him home until I heard "hung like a water buffalo" then curiosity got the best of me.
My public calorie counter app is pretty much just a cry for help.
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
Only you two could pull off a partner swap with honeymooners
My neck is PURPLE. This is NOT a good day to be indoctrinated by the cardinal...
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
You need to get a passport so we can carry our bad decisions over the border
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
She's celebrating a tinder-match-aversary and I'm not about that.
Randomize
