Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
WTF why am I in the Atlanta airport?
So did the night end well for you?
I stole a traffic cone and drunk texted my sister because i couldn't think of any other girl to text
he sent me a naked picture of himself. things got awkward really quickly. but on a positive note he shaved his chest
a guy tried paying for lapdances with cds, who uses those anymore?
You drunk invited us to do an intervention for you.
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
We just had father kitten bonding time .. I was on the toilet , he was climbing the animal print shower curtain . It was magical
There were four people in the car. The girls sure know how to blow. I think we almost crashed when the driver climaxed.
We were debating whether you had hooked up with him. I was right for the record.
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
Just saw a commercial for non alcoholic baileys cream. WHAT THE HELL IS THE POINT?!
Randomize
