I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
I'm afraid that if I tell my sister I think Zachary Quinto is gay I'll have to put her on suicide watch for the next week or so
I want my own midget army. I think I would be a good midget army leader.
making your facebook status TEQUILA is like basically saying "im easy tonight. feel free to take advantage"
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
Is "incoherent" a legit goal to strive for tonight? Or should I stay sober enough to fuck who I can?
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
So I just stole my deans keys to break into the dining hall to get coco puffs. I shouldn't have gone to this meeting stoned.
I CAN'T FUCK HIM OUTSIDE. THAT'S FOR PEASANTS. HE'S TOO FAMOUS FOR THAT.
he's like a horny 3rd grader on cocaine. he needs a leash
I just realized I haven't got laid since the last time the Browns won.
did i just pee glitter
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
Also I like oatmeal more than sex.
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