Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
failed my one goal of the day: wake up before 2 pm.
he kept whispering yes yes yes yes the entire 15 minutes. i almost wish it was a quickie.
and my loofah got caught on my nipple ring in the shower today. what an awful experience.
there are some nice people on this island. free ride free pancakes and they even prayed for us when they dropped us off
It's take your daughter to work day... I really shouldn't be here right now
Like I've never seen her that drunk. She's usually like quiet and doesn't say she'll fuck someone on a futon
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
Apparently the Massachusetts Bay Transit Authority severely looks down on Chinese firedrills on a public bus
Yeah but the people love.
We had an in depth conversion about the best way to take a dick pic. Both with and without mirrors.
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
He got up in the middle of the show and returned with this massive ham shank, then offered me some by asking "wanna suckle on my hog." Should I be offended?
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
A guy caught me talking to a sock today in the Laundry room if it makes you feel any better
Sadly that does. Why...where you talking to a sock
Bc I didn't know him and I asked him where he came from and why he was hanging out with my thongs
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
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