I finally had kitchen counter sex! i was so excited
We had one of those mutual "I know your on a dating website, I won't tell if you won't" glances.
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
Numbies before the dentist, such a good idea.
i can recognize that vagina from a mile away
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
Def just hooked up with my brother's senior prom date in his bed. Does that make me the worst brother ever?
WHO THE FUCK TAGS THEMSELVES AT COUNTY JAIL?!?!
Well I can cross being naked in a minivan off the list
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
Wait do you remember that guy last night asking to use my nose ring to open his beer.......
No worries, I've prioritized my homework into "can do drunk" and "should be sober" categories. We're good.
For the record you're an amazing lay and you have great taste in breakfast sandwiches
Drunk you wants to be petty, not you you.
I'm too depressed to drink my wine. That is what I would call a serious problem
Randomize
