If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
i'm satisfied with the level of pretty that his new girlfriend isn't.
the fda needs to get their shit together cause these four loko going away parties are gonna kill me
I gave ten strangers a full description of his penis and its abilities. I need to stop drinking.
He was going down on me as I discovered a spaghetti-O on my boob. Its been a while since I faked it.
Well, I wanted to be you for Halloween but I couldn't fit seven dicks in my mouth.
Way too stoned bro. Was laying down on my back and thought for a good 30 mins what it would be like to be a turtle stuck on its shell
And please let him know I don't normally go off on long rants about feminist theory. That was totally the vodka talking.
Drunk Jeff aka Dreff thinks he's about 3x cooler than be really is and about 100x better at dancing than he really is
Went to 7-11 to buy condoms with the $20 I found on the ground outside Rite Aid. A good day for drug stores
Dude, i just watched a drag queen dropkick a motherfucker. this is a good night.
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
I have beer and butt plugs...pretty sure I will find a way to entertain myself while I wait
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