she keeps a pillow, blanket, and a pack of saltines under the bathroom sink, for "rough nights".
His dick looked like E.T.'s finger. It scared me.
Housing came buy and confiscated our shopping cart :(
Oh we will ALWAYS be together. Or I'll have to delete my Facebook altogether. I've drunkenly boobie trapped photos of us into every album. There's no way I'd ever have the patience to go through that deletion process.
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
I told my dad my stomach hurt and he bet me ten bucks I couldn't throw up on command. He has no idea what I did last night and I got ten bucks.
Its the least I can do really, I mean, I did sleep with her husband...
You put your name in his phone but not your number then screamed "Open the door!" and jumped out of the car
The token old dude at the show tried hitting on us by telling us his favorite rapper was Cayenne West.
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
After 8 hours of circus trick sex, his parents are both hugging me and kissing me on the cheek asking when I'm coming back over. Score?
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
a day off where I don’t get laid would be worthless
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
Did I tell you about the swingers? Because I think they're trying to trap me.
Randomize