i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
I like to keep a steady black out going for the holidays. I feel it makes me less cynical
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
Well for number 40 i would prefer to at least like the guy attached to the dick
I may or may not have traded your body to the rodeo's owner for free beer.
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
Hey have you ever thought about fishing cause I'd like to go fishing but don't know anyone that fishes and I'm gonna cry because. FISHING
I dont think ive ever had a drunk day betray me so hard before
The fact that he said "there's nothing wrong with being a raging drunk, just ask my mother." has me thinking that I have no positive role-models among my friends.
Not my type, but the penis looks fun.
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
you can see where the duct tape was on my nipple
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize