The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
Hallmark should totally make "congratulations on getting your period" cards...I feel they would be quite popular.
There is too much vodka and too much dick.
If only guys knew how much awkward ass shaving goes into making sex this good...
I take your lack of response to mean that your hands are taped to 40 ounces of something.
So I ripped my crotchless fishnet body suit when my drunk ass tried to crawl through the crotch to put it on.
While eating post sex burritos I dripped taco bell sauce on my boob. He licked it off and asked why I hadn't thought of that before.
Well when I got home you were sitting at the table eating cold, leftover taco meat. I'd say you were pretty far gone by that time.
I sewed up my pants, stole his girlfriends white shirt, and went to work hungover like a responsible adult.
DRAW HIM A PICTURE OF SOME FUCING AWESOME THING. LIKE A UNICORN OR SOME SHIT. FANTASTIC.
Haha sweet. I'm being the Mad Hatter. I'll be drinking out of a tea cup all night. Or at least until I inevitably lose it, break it, or use it as a weapon.
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
I want a battle ostrich, get me a battle ostrich and then come and make love to me
I stopped his blowjob to raise 3 fingers & whistle the hunger games tune to the people walking past the window
you made cordon bleu at 4am and declared you were Marshall Stewart
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