his dog just threw up on me too. its like im a throwup magnet to that family.
my brother walked in while we were fucking, silently took my bong from my closet, saluted us and walked out.
right before he busted, he moaned the british are coming.
only on the fourth of july.
Really, thanks for buying me caribou, it helped me out. Today will forever be the day I threw up in a caribou cup in the skyway outside of chipotle.
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
I found him in his pink and white boxer out side the dorm hall and the only thing he said was "it wouldn't let me in"
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
I thought I was heading girls talk. It was the toilet. Like put my ear to it
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
After we hooked up, his roommate shouted "I LIKE TO HAVE SEX TOO" from across the apartment
logically I know i should probably study somewhere outside my dorm room, but if I do that then I cant drink and smoke half as much while i study
wait i saw you last night?
we found you ass naked on the couch covered in pillows.
Almost gave the delivery guy a 34 dollar tip. That high
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
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