I plan on putting pajamas back on after I shower. Today is going to be awesome.
It just feels so wrong throwing away the condoms into her Hello Kitty trashcan
just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
THESE BITCHES NOT IN MY MAJOR BETTER NOT FILL UP MY SLAVIC FAIRYTALES CLASS
I thought my period ended but I felt it again as soon as Pitbull started playing
I suggest absurd amounts of masturbation this weekend to build up the necessary calluses
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
Guess who was PASSED OUT ON A BMW. I shit you not
Stop it right now
This time face forward
You were laying in a hotel bed drinking beer from a straw while you demanded everyone to kiss your foot tattoo.
I just did the walk of shame in monkey slippers in the snow
Teach me the song of your people
dont know how to tell my grandparents I woke up in a frat house in the wrong town and that's why I can't see them today
I can check masterbating in China off the bucket list.
He took a shot of vodka and AND ATE ME OUT AS A CHASER. YESSS. I AM IN LOVE.
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
Randomize
