Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
i just set an alarm for noon. fuck yes winter break.
i kept drunkenly begging people i met to be in my facebook mafia
for breakfast I had vodka and flavor blasted goldfish. and I'm topless.
Yeah Greg found him eating out of a tuna can with a pill cap
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
Red flag bro. Her only friends are barflys and a teen with a fake ID
i need some magic done to my vagina
I'M GOING TO FUCK AN ENTIRE ORCHESTRA AND NOTHING CAN STOP ME
The band club does not count as an orchestra
Where does drinking Flat, warm beer from two days ago rank of the No Fucks Given scale?
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
Just got a handjob in the hospital
A new low.
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
Randomize
