I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
This is the first month I have not taken plan B to get my period in over a year
And somehow that makes me sad knowing I haven't had raunchy unprotected sex in a month
The tricky part is not getting sand in any orifices. Or is the plural orifi? Orifi don't, we'll both be unhappy...
I am watching the CFL at a Hooters in Texarakana. I made a poor life choice at some point that led me here.
just gave another girl i passed on the walk of shame a high five
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
P.S. I just watched The Muppets. I feel like I just got a sadness enema.
I mean I don't object to weird looking penis as long as it gets the job done. I just need to get it in. I'm gonna be humping chairs soon.
I could not actually bring myself to utter the phrase "donkey cock" in front of my father. Not possible.
OMG. Dad just threw a 100 dollar bill down on the table for a girl to lift her shirt. I think he was kidding, but...
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
Literally I can feel my heart beat in my vagina because of how sore I am
I walked in on a circlejerk after punching that guy out. Instant karma.
I know I may be showing my age by saying this but this is the first time I have been eaten out in the parking lot behind the Clairmont Inn since 1990
Randomize
