Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
you went around grabbing cigarettes out of peoples mouths and claiming you were curing cancer.
he couldn't find his key, so we just had sex on his parent's porch while we waited for his mom to get home.
But I thought everyone had breakup sex?
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
I don't know if its because i'm stoned or what but painting my kitchen yellow makes it look crooked
Just did lines off your face, congrats on getting in the magazine bro
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
Either I spilled whiskey on my boobs last night or they are fermenting. Not concerned in the slightest
I haven't even booked my flights yet and I have my drug supply sorted
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
She had a tattoo on her pelvis that said "it's cock-o-clock" an had clocks and hot dogs exploding away from it. I'd like to tell you it was deal breaker buuuuuuut.......
Hot Damn Cinnamon Schnapps make me feel like the sun is punching me in the face and a bear is sleeping inside me.
And if you ever tell anyone that I have emotions ill kill you
Shroomed with my best friend'a dad at his wife's surprise birthday party so you can say I have experience in the field
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