Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
Why can't we have signs that automatically flash on our foreheads that say not interested when gross ugly guys come around, like those glasses that get dark when the sun comes out?
You were running around the house covered in syrup, with shredded down pillow feathers on your body screaming "AFLACK!" at everyone
That's the last time I try to be adventurous at a gas station
Blood drive hookups: you will probably faint during the sex, but at least you know neither of you has AIDS
i feel like everytime i say im going to quit drinking someone comes along with a better idea about drinking
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...
I am going to borrow your water/shock proof video camera for St. Pattys day so that if wake up next to the highway again I know why.
Ok but I hold the right to any footage of you getting slapped, puking, anything with body shots, and allowed to make a montage of it to put on youtube.
We pretended the crowd cheering the Thunder's win was cheering for us while we had sex on the couch.
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
He's like a computer from 2001 in a 2014 world. It just doesn't work. Lots of glitches.
I'm in his bed. I got up to puke. Im one eyeing it eating a hot dog bun. Wtf. This is my life
Floor bacon is actually really good
The party pretty much ended once she shit on the couch
Randomize
